George Carlin, “If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”
“At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.”
“Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.”
“Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.”
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
“If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a man and a dog.”
“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
Matt Groening, "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come."
Stephen King, "I like to tell people I have the heart of a small boy. Then I say it's in a jar on my desk."
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